Vodka & Friendship

"It's me. Hi. I'm the problem it's me." Put a finger down if the above Taylor Swift lyrics resonates with you. I've been in this place before. Where I know I need to slow down in my life but I continue tolerating x, y, and z. I tell myself the calendar will remain open only to fill up by mid week. Then the next week, into the next month and before you know it, it's a 2 month wait until I've got an avail. Why do I do this to myself? How did this happen again? The messages keep popping up to remind me I'm not giving myself time. Time to heal, time to explore, time to play, and time to process. Yet I keep trudging along like the good solider I am. I trudge on until exhaustion, I trudge on until it physically hurts, I trudge on until my body can't trudge on further. And then I collapse. I'll succumb to sickness, forced to take a much needed break. Forced to be in the reality of not having to do ALL the things, ALL the time. I sleep. I relax. I...

There comes a time in everyone’s life where they feel like they would love to “stop the world” and just get off for a while. To reset. To shift your focus. Wouldn’t that be nice? Just to stop the world for a moment and gather our thoughts? If you’re like me and lead a busy life, (too busy at times) I would often say this to myself and think life might be a littler easier than the crazy schedule I had committed to, if a I could just stop it, or slow it down. Or maybe I could plan a great vacation to just reset myself again and come back to the norm. ...... But its only for a little while. Now with the state the world is in, our province is in and our city is in, the world has “stopped”. We have taken to isolation to flatten the curve and the biggest shift of all has happened for me, just like it has for you. I’ve always been the type to have a jammed pack schedule. Booking myself Monday- Sunday in some form was just my way of life. I wasn’t always like this. It took time to b...

I walk into the basement of the bar. It's basically empty, other than a couple men gathered around at a table. I can feel their eyes on me as I enter the room. I stare back. I'm nervous. Thankfully, I have a girlfriend who is also doing this with me and she knows the ropes. The host of the evening greets us, signs us in and tells us to pick a seat where there's a letter. We walk over to the table and I tell her to sit next to me because I want to be able to overhear some of her conversations throughout the night. We settle in and begin to really scan the room. I immediately turn to my girlfriend and say "Ok, I'm not nervous anymore." Any pre-speed dating anxiety I had washed away because in this moment I realize we're all just human going through this process together. And if you want my HONEST opinion, I can't say I was overly attracted to anyone--which clearly calmed my nerves. The women who came into the room next were the 'competition' a...

My quest for independence has been muted by the onset of summer, which leads to more patio gatherings, long nights out, and of course this leads to more socializing. BUT! I have been able to go to a movie by myself. At first, I did feel strange about it. Would people know I'm here by myself? Is everyone watching me as I buy my ticket? Yes, these thoughts did cross my mind. But I know this is more in my head than what is actually occurring. I bought my ticket, waited in line for popcorn (no one to share with-score!) and walked into the theater.  Now if you're going to a movie by yourself, you might as well go big or go home. I picked a theater with the largest chairs, which recline, and was able to get myself settled without spilling any popcorn. *Side note, my baby legs did not let my feet touch the ground once the chair was reclined**  I sat there in the dark feeling sorta awkward until the previews began. Then I realized, why do we go see a movie with peopl...

Have you ever been out with friends or a significant other and noticed people dining alone? Or been to the movies and been envious of the person sitting alone with a large popcorn and they don't have to share? I'm going to be this person. I've never been that independent. The nature of my personality lends itself to doing things with someone. Even walking I've got my dog by my side. I've come a long way from being very co-dependent to more independent over the last 4 years. But I'm not where I want to be. And here's the sad thing, I don't think I enjoy my own company. I don't like myself enough to spend time with myself. I prefer to hang with my buddies-but even this is a crutch I use for a distraction. If I make myself busy enough, I don't need to spend time just me, myself and I. So, it's time for a little experiment. A little journey on the path to self love and getting to know myself more, while increasing my independence. And why not...

Addicted. The one word I could use to sum up an ongoing love affair with online dating. I remember when I was with my significant other, (waaaaaaay back in 2012) I would say, "If we broke up, would you try online dating?" Even back then, when it was starting to become the norm, I thought of it as taboo. Why would anyone want to meet a stranger off the internet? How scary could it be? How weird would it be? How DESPERATE would it be? Of course, flash forward to just this past year, I was still doing the online dating gig. It would be TERRIBLE, and I'd delete all the apps (why limit myself to one?!) and cry into my pillow, or some sort of carbohydrate, in order to make myself feel worthy.  After a couple months, or a couple weeks....heck, even a couple minutes, I would think , "OK, I'll try this again. This time it will be different. This time I won't invest so much. This time I'll act THIS way or this time I'll act THAT way." All a ploy to...

Life is a funny thing. It's meant for the living but most of us walk around like we're dead. I find myself in a world full of the most advanced technology, yet I'm lacking stimulation. Our society is full of diversity but my porridge is bland. I'm seeking a new thrill, an exciting emotion, a way for me to have a creative release. And it's hard to know what that is and in what form it will be. And so I sit alone. Alone with my thoughts, as the wind and the rain dance outside.Solitude. I still struggle with the idea of letting go, with sending my cares to the wind and trusting all will work out. I like to force the issue, be in control. If the earth spins one way, I'm trying to spin it the opposite. And believe me, I don't give up easily. It's both a blessing and a curse. If I am determined, I am a force to be reckoned with. In one hand I see fate and in the other I see my control. Which hand do I shake with today? What hand do I use to turn the knob? ...

I first bought my ticket aboard the Crazy Train a year ago, in pursuit of the town known as Happily Ever After, population 2. The pamphlet makes it look like a little slice of heaven. Backyards with dogs who's tails wag. Houses with white picket fences. Children playing in the streets with trees that line the cement sidewalks. Yet, on this train ride, I didn't realize it would make pit stops at small hamlets known as Despair, Sadness, Anxiety, and this really interesting village known as Bat Shit Crazy. It has many tourist attractions. I found myself always waiting for this ride to end, in pursuit of my final destination. I'd ride through all these pit stops never really taking in all the sights or looking at what they had to offer. I just knew the train would eventually stop and I would know where to get off. Recently the train stopped at a town called Self. Funny name. Sounds enticing. I decide to get off. My first steps into this town are surrounded by water. I feel a ...

Such a simple word. Hello. It comes with a multitude of emotions. It can be quick and dirty, like smiling at a stranger on the street. It can be sexy and seductive, like when you pull away from an entangled embrace and look into your lover's eyes. It can come with a hundred promises or zero expectations. It can be heartwarming. It can be cold. It can be cautious, it can be insecure. It can be predictable; the norm. It comes in many languages and is expressed in many forms. But what happens when the hello is no longer a hello? What comes of that word? It turns into a sour taste in the roof of your mouth. Your Hello has just turned into a Goodbye. Goodbyes can be permanent. They can leave you longing for the days of Hello. A Hello that stops you in your tracks. Takes your breath away. A Hello than is full of magic and possibility is never aware of a darker Goodbye. They don't play on the same team. Forever challenged to a duel. But rest assured, one day your hello won't ...

Sometimes we all need a good cry. You know that feeling as it hugs your chest and rises up into your throat. You feel the burn as your eyes well up and then the tears start rolling. You can heave or sigh or even do the really bad ugly cry. You scrunch your face up and widen your mouth as drool mixes with the tears on your cheeks. It should be considered a god damn talent! The stress of the day, week, minute can all take its toll. They piggy back on one another. I went to the gym to work out these frustrations. I danced enough to give J.Lo competition and yet the tears still hung out in my chest. Biding their time, waiting for the moment they could shine. I went to bed with heavy shoulders. I woke up with exhaustion. The day ebbed and flowed as it always does. I felt better, I got through my day, accomplished my tasks, laughed, ate, carried on. Wine called my name tonight. I bought a limited edition. Poured my glass. That's when it hit me. Full on ugly cry. It came fast. Let it ...

You know what I struggle with? I struggle with letting go and holding on. I struggle with wanting more and being patient. I struggle with wanting to give my all and dive in and holding back and testing the water. It's such a scary time. It's a thrilling time, but it's so scary. I never know what balancing act I need to complete. I'm constantly existing between "too much" and "too little". I feel like everything about me is growing. I'm stretching my mind, my soul, and trying my best not to explode. Not to race to the end or read the last chapter. I just want to revel in all my feelings and soak it in. It's frustrating and it's exhilarating. And somewhere, along the way, I feel like my soul already knows the outcome. It's just a whisper but it's guiding me to a place that makes sense. A place led by crumbs of transformation. And right now I'm just blindly walking forward as all my limbs fumble to understand where my...

I've entitled this blog post Falling not because it has to do with the slippery roads and sidewalks out there now that's it's November in the city. I'm talking about the butterflies, the excitement, the chills! That feeling you get when you know you're with someone special. A spark. An attraction. It so worth waiting for this moment. All your years, months, days, of being single, are worth it to get the chills. Mind you, it is flu season, so you could have the chills for other reasons. But this is where paying attention to your gut reaction is important. It's something I've had to teach myself to do, in any aspect of my life. We all get a grumble, or that churning in our gut when something isn't right, or something doesn't sit well with us. Could it be that burrito you ate for lunch? Definitely, but if that feeling lingers longer than you know it should or continues to pop up with a person you are with, pay attention. Meeting someone new has it up...

Did you know 90% of single women are online dating? That's not even a fact, I just made it up right now. But trust me, this is how is feels most days. The single women I know are doing it,  and the single women I don't know are doing it. We feel the need to connect with someone and let's face it--IT'S HARD! Are you finding Mr. Right down the grocery aisle? Are you finding him at your friend's wedding, hoping to make eye contact as you catch the bouquet (What? It's subtle). Are you finding him by joining a sports team? No? It's tough. I get it. I'm living it. You go through these wide ranges of female empowerment to sometimes wanting nothing more than to sob into a bowl of chocolate ice-cream. It's all part of the roller coaster ride. Sometimes you're up, other times are you screaming upside down. A couple women I've chatted with who are online dating are going through the same topsy-turvy emotions. It's kinda hilarious, kinda depressi...

Hey there, you single vixen you. Yes, you. The one who is really owning it. The who does her own thing on her own terms. The one who doesn't take crap from anyone. The one who can leave the dishes in the sink without anyone caring. The one who can take someone home after a fun night out and not have to explain herself to anyone. The one who maybe didn't vacuum last Sunday like you should have. The one who has a garbage full of bottles that hasn't yet gone to the recycling because it's taken you THAT long to fill it up. The one who is exploring life with no side passenger. Or back seat driver. Isn't it great being single? There's a lot of talk out there, and yes, from me too, about the negativity associated with being a lone ranger. But really, it should be the time of our lives. When you start feeling lonely, or feel like "the one" is never going to cross your doorstep, remember only you can take life by the horns and make the most of it. Cliche, you...

There's something about the smell of fresh baked muffins on a lazy Sunday afternoon. The way the sun creeps into the window, making that one spot on the hardwood floor warmer than the rest. The way the urge to drink a coffee hits you, as you stare at the color of the grass, trying to imagine what the snow looked like only a month ago. The humming of the laundry machine is in the background, a movie on in the living room. An unmade bed and heaps of clothing lying behind the closet doors. The consistent movement of my dog's chest as he naps beside me on the couch. This is life. And I'm living it.    New pastimes have emerged, like kickball. Never in a million years did I think I'd be playing on a team, where 99% of the people on my team are strangers. Where the goal is to save your beer and run to base and laugh along the way. Never in a million years did I think I'd enjoy a hot yoga class. Where you sweat, even when you move your wrist....

I bet you were waiting for the punch line.... Let me back up a bit. I was meaning to post another blog issue in March, but a health matter prevented me from doing so. Near the end of March, I started to experience excruciating pain in my head, neck, and shoulders. This pain progressed and after numerous trips to my doctor and others, I was seen by a neurologist. He diagnosed me with Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension.  This mimics a brain tumor and causes a build up spinal fluid in the brain. The amount of pressure affects your vision and causes the pain in the muscles I was experiencing. A spinal tap is a way to relieve this pressure. As soon as I had mine, I had instant relief. My pressure was very high and to have it come back down to normal levels felt amazing. Since this whole ordeal I've been left with the effects of the double vision I was having. I need to sport an eye patch to strengthen my eyes and get my bearings about me. Eyes are slo...

In true Canadian spirit, I witnessed a wonderful 'Go Canada Go' moment this morning. 5am to be exact. On Friday afternoon, I, like many other tweeters, saw our Premier Alison Redford had given the 'red light' (hockey fans know) on letting our bars open their doors at 5am and be able to have their taps flowing with golden deliciousness. Why you ask? Well if you're not Canadian, I'll explain. We are that die hard to watch our Canadian boys kick some Swedish butt for a sport we have flowing through our veins since birth. I decided to hop on that bandwagon and immediately told myself I'm going to be apart of this moment. Before becoming single, this is something I wouldn't have done. I would have valued my sleep or, watched at home in my slippers. And I certainly would not have stuck a toque on my head and headed down 17th to meet up with people I had never met besides one other person. But why not? Why not kick-start a little adventure, and be abl...

Another Valentine's Day has come and gone, and after the candy wrappers have been thrown out, and the flowers have wilted, are you still in love with your significant other? Or better yet, did said significant other do anything for you? It's pressure, man. Pure pink and red pressure this time of year. But for us singles? Depression.... oh c'mon, I'm only joking. But I have heard this made up holiday is also named 'Singles Awareness Day'. And yes, it does make singles very  aware. A couple singles and I went out for a pricey Valentine's day meal on Friday. We were comrades, singles going into battle against a day full of XOXO. We managed to enjoy our meal, the company, and of course, the wine. (And beer, and Champaign) but I couldn't help but notice that not every couple was sitting around smiling. One couple behind us was literally on their phones, chins resting in their hands, starring into the screen instead of their lovers eyes. Really? Is that...