Isolation

There comes a time in everyone’s life where they feel like they would love to “stop the world” and just get off for a while.

To reset.
To shift your focus.

Wouldn’t that be nice? Just to stop the world for a moment and gather our thoughts? If you’re like me and lead a busy life, (too busy at times) I would often say this to myself and think life might be a littler easier than the crazy schedule I had committed to, if a I could just stop it, or slow it down. Or maybe I could plan a great vacation to just reset myself again and come back to the norm.

...... But its only for a little while.

Now with the state the world is in, our province is in and our city is in, the world has “stopped”. We have taken to isolation to flatten the curve and the biggest shift of all has happened for me, just like it has for you.

I’ve always been the type to have a jammed pack schedule. Booking myself Monday- Sunday in some form was just my way of life. I wasn’t always like this. It took time to build new hobbies, figure out what I wanted. What did I enjoy? What keeps me having fun? What can help me fill my days? I had come out of a long term relationship where I had completely lost myself and needed to figure out who I was. It would often involve many nights alone with my thoughts. It was HARD to sit in the silence for me. HARD to work through the loneliness and shift that had happened. HARD to learn to create the new. But I took those pieces and began to make the life I knew very well up until early March of this year.

 For 4.5 years I’ve built a schedule that has me running out the door non-stop. It has been about connecting and interacting with many people; family, friends, Zumba instructors, and participants. It’s helped me build great community connections, feel like I was apart of something and have the chance to be creative and share this passion with many people. It came with more knowledge and hard lessons but it also arrived with the ability to let a light shine in me brightly once more. However, at times I would burn this light out. I would start to feel very drained with all my commitments and some felt more like chores rather than an opportunity to see someone.

I had told myself that 2020 was going to be the year I would slow down. It would be the year where I could truly try to cultivate a balance between working hard and hustling and having the much needed downtime for myself. I could FEEL this in my bones. 2020 was the year it was going to happen.

 January and February flew by for me. I felt like any effort I was making to try to slow myself down was going out the window. My weekends kept booking up and even when I felt I had a slower schedule, the calendar said otherwise.

Ok, February was when I was going to do it! February came and went in 29 days and yes, busy busy, busy. I remember specifically flipping over the calendar to March and said out loud to myself, “Ok these weekends you are keeping for you. Don’t make any plans. They are for you to relax.” If I say it out loud it means it will happen, right?

My entire world changed in March as more and more cases of COVID-19 broke out. I know all our worlds shifted and changed very rapidly. It was hard to process changes on the daily, all  the unknowns, the fears, and the what nexts.

.......But its only for a little while.

Now I’m about to start my 4th week in isolation. The busy schedule has gone out the window. My birthday flight to Vegas was suppose to happen Monday. No Easter dinner around the table with my Mom, brothers and their lovers. No fun Zumba events or face to face classes. It’s all such a big change isn’t it? I wake up most days on an emotional roller coaster. I can have mornings where I make a cup of coffee and cry. I can have moments where I’m dancing with music blaring all while making a breakfast sandwich. I have moments of “let’s get shit done!” And moments of not wanting to leave my bed. Did I mention I cry? A lot? It’s the weirdest highs and low lows. The pendulum has swung in the opposite direction of what I knew my life to be.

I’m back to being alone in the silence. It’s HARD once again. Zero distractions for me to occupy myself and move on from feeling anything I don’t want to feel. I have to sit with them now. Curl up on my couch with them. I have to face them on. Make friends with them. It might involve a cry. Maybe some deep breaths or hell, a couple glasses of wine. But hey thoughts. I’m here now. Hello.  Working through each of them as they pop up. Facing on any fears or anxiety. I sit with them now. Loneliness? Oh hey, I remember you. Haven’t had time to figure you out now, but let’s chat about it. Anxiety! Oh hey friend, pull up a chair. Let’s chat about it. Abandonment? Hey girl, wha’sup? You’ve been lurking just outside but I see you. Come in, lets chat.

The small blessing in this craziness is I’ve been given the time where the world has stopped and I can listen to what it is I want and need. I can truly process my roller coaster emotions instead of tossing them aside. And it’s painful. And uncomfortable. And weird. And awkward. But I’m doing it. One soggy tear coffee at a time.


...... and it’s only for a little while.