Vodka & Friendship

Addicted. The one word I could use to sum up an ongoing love affair with online dating. I remember when I was with my significant other, (waaaaaaay back in 2012) I would say, "If we broke up, would you try online dating?" Even back then, when it was starting to become the norm, I thought of it as taboo. Why would anyone want to meet a stranger off the internet? How scary could it be? How weird would it be? How DESPERATE would it be? Of course, flash forward to just this past year, I was still doing the online dating gig. It would be TERRIBLE, and I'd delete all the apps (why limit myself to one?!) and cry into my pillow, or some sort of carbohydrate, in order to make myself feel worthy.  After a couple months, or a couple weeks....heck, even a couple minutes, I would think , "OK, I'll try this again. This time it will be different. This time I won't invest so much. This time I'll act THIS way or this time I'll act THAT way." All a ploy to...

Life is a funny thing. It's meant for the living but most of us walk around like we're dead. I find myself in a world full of the most advanced technology, yet I'm lacking stimulation. Our society is full of diversity but my porridge is bland. I'm seeking a new thrill, an exciting emotion, a way for me to have a creative release. And it's hard to know what that is and in what form it will be. And so I sit alone. Alone with my thoughts, as the wind and the rain dance outside.Solitude. I still struggle with the idea of letting go, with sending my cares to the wind and trusting all will work out. I like to force the issue, be in control. If the earth spins one way, I'm trying to spin it the opposite. And believe me, I don't give up easily. It's both a blessing and a curse. If I am determined, I am a force to be reckoned with. In one hand I see fate and in the other I see my control. Which hand do I shake with today? What hand do I use to turn the knob? ...

I first bought my ticket aboard the Crazy Train a year ago, in pursuit of the town known as Happily Ever After, population 2. The pamphlet makes it look like a little slice of heaven. Backyards with dogs who's tails wag. Houses with white picket fences. Children playing in the streets with trees that line the cement sidewalks. Yet, on this train ride, I didn't realize it would make pit stops at small hamlets known as Despair, Sadness, Anxiety, and this really interesting village known as Bat Shit Crazy. It has many tourist attractions. I found myself always waiting for this ride to end, in pursuit of my final destination. I'd ride through all these pit stops never really taking in all the sights or looking at what they had to offer. I just knew the train would eventually stop and I would know where to get off. Recently the train stopped at a town called Self. Funny name. Sounds enticing. I decide to get off. My first steps into this town are surrounded by water. I feel a ...

Such a simple word. Hello. It comes with a multitude of emotions. It can be quick and dirty, like smiling at a stranger on the street. It can be sexy and seductive, like when you pull away from an entangled embrace and look into your lover's eyes. It can come with a hundred promises or zero expectations. It can be heartwarming. It can be cold. It can be cautious, it can be insecure. It can be predictable; the norm. It comes in many languages and is expressed in many forms. But what happens when the hello is no longer a hello? What comes of that word? It turns into a sour taste in the roof of your mouth. Your Hello has just turned into a Goodbye. Goodbyes can be permanent. They can leave you longing for the days of Hello. A Hello that stops you in your tracks. Takes your breath away. A Hello than is full of magic and possibility is never aware of a darker Goodbye. They don't play on the same team. Forever challenged to a duel. But rest assured, one day your hello won't ...

Sometimes we all need a good cry. You know that feeling as it hugs your chest and rises up into your throat. You feel the burn as your eyes well up and then the tears start rolling. You can heave or sigh or even do the really bad ugly cry. You scrunch your face up and widen your mouth as drool mixes with the tears on your cheeks. It should be considered a god damn talent! The stress of the day, week, minute can all take its toll. They piggy back on one another. I went to the gym to work out these frustrations. I danced enough to give J.Lo competition and yet the tears still hung out in my chest. Biding their time, waiting for the moment they could shine. I went to bed with heavy shoulders. I woke up with exhaustion. The day ebbed and flowed as it always does. I felt better, I got through my day, accomplished my tasks, laughed, ate, carried on. Wine called my name tonight. I bought a limited edition. Poured my glass. That's when it hit me. Full on ugly cry. It came fast. Let it ...

You know what I struggle with? I struggle with letting go and holding on. I struggle with wanting more and being patient. I struggle with wanting to give my all and dive in and holding back and testing the water. It's such a scary time. It's a thrilling time, but it's so scary. I never know what balancing act I need to complete. I'm constantly existing between "too much" and "too little". I feel like everything about me is growing. I'm stretching my mind, my soul, and trying my best not to explode. Not to race to the end or read the last chapter. I just want to revel in all my feelings and soak it in. It's frustrating and it's exhilarating. And somewhere, along the way, I feel like my soul already knows the outcome. It's just a whisper but it's guiding me to a place that makes sense. A place led by crumbs of transformation. And right now I'm just blindly walking forward as all my limbs fumble to understand where my...

I've entitled this blog post Falling not because it has to do with the slippery roads and sidewalks out there now that's it's November in the city. I'm talking about the butterflies, the excitement, the chills! That feeling you get when you know you're with someone special. A spark. An attraction. It so worth waiting for this moment. All your years, months, days, of being single, are worth it to get the chills. Mind you, it is flu season, so you could have the chills for other reasons. But this is where paying attention to your gut reaction is important. It's something I've had to teach myself to do, in any aspect of my life. We all get a grumble, or that churning in our gut when something isn't right, or something doesn't sit well with us. Could it be that burrito you ate for lunch? Definitely, but if that feeling lingers longer than you know it should or continues to pop up with a person you are with, pay attention. Meeting someone new has it up...